Jay and I have been traveling a lot lately and have had many ups and downs. Dudley survived surgery, but is taking longer to heal than anticipated. In addition, we have had other animals with medical challenges in both Tennessee and California who were ok in the end, but needed a lot of care. Just managing two locations and trying hard to start a third is a lot of work for a small team like ours. Jay and I also went to World Veg Fest in San Francisco and spoke. It felt so great to be in that large crowd, smell the delicious vegan food, see people smiling, spread our message, and, feel hopeful about our future. However, Jay and I were absolutely exhausted afterwards.

We needed to do something to restore our batteries and without cows to hug, we did the next best thing: we drove about 20 minutes outside the city to a Redwood Forest. The minute we parked and opened the doors to get out of the car the fragrant, musty, earthy, rich smell of the trees hit us as the wind caressed our faces. I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths and felt as if I had dove into a cool pool on a scorching hot day. I felt completely rejuvenated. We followed the path under the trees’ canopies and felt the soft, spongy, fertile earth give under our feet. The trees grew wildly around us, curving and twisting their branches towards the sun. The forest was so tall we could not see its top, just the giant trunks of its inhabitants with their impressive antique girths, suggesting a 300-year-old lifespan.

Several minutes into our walk, I saw a close knit grove of ancient trees growing in a circle with years of thick pine needles growing in between them. They beckoned to me and I could not resist. I squeezed my way in between the trees and nestled on the foliage bed. With one of the trees supporting my back, and the others shrouding me in privacy, I closed my eyes to meditate and feel their energy and the safety that they offered me. I focused on my breath, the silence, and the trees earthy smell, waiting for their ancient wisdom to find me.

My mind started wandering. I started thinking about how thin and pretty I used to be when I was younger. I remembered how I used to get attention and feel accepted with very little effort. I started thinking about how it used to come so easily and how I now have to work on staving off the weight and to look half decent. My mind then took me to thinking about how confident I am in the barnyard or in front of a group of children, but the rest of the time I tend to feel lost and unsure of who I am or where I fit in. Grandmother tree interrupted my thoughts and I heard these words: “the way you look is not who you are. The work you do is not who you are. Your belt size, shoe size, bra size, or pant size is not who you are. Young or old, big or small, pretty or plain, none of that is a proper measure. The yardstick of who you are is the amount of light in your heart.” Then, I imagined an image of the tree: tall, proud and true, illuminating light and unconditional love to all - without judgment, without criticism, without thought. No matter what humans do underneath her branches, no matter how large and violent the city grows around her, no matter how many of her relatives are chopped down beside her, she stands tall, illuminating the world with her light. She explained to me that what others do is their choice. How others behave: love or hate, honor or destroy, act with kindness or greed, that is how they are showing up and should not have any effect on how we show up or who we choose to be. No matter what others are doing, we are always responsible for how we show up and who we are. When we hold the light in our heart, when we love unconditionally, when we remain peaceful and gentle no matter what, then we will always know who we are. That light will be there when we are young or old, whether we are working or not, whether we get attention or are ignored, it will never matter because the truth of ourselves will be anchored in our hearts. Who we show up as in any given moment defines us. It is so easy to blame someone else for us getting angry, or getting into an argument, or feeling hateful or sad. Grandmother tree taught me that no matter what someone else does, I always get to be who I want to be. I always get to choose who I am and that becomes my identity.

I believe that is the essence of what vegan is. I don’t think being vegan is just about what we eat or wear or do. I have encountered so many people who fancy themselves vegan yet seem to have no ethics, no moral compass, and no character. They behave with cruelty to other people and are constantly saying how much they hate people. Being vegan is about love for everyone, not just animals. Being vegan means opening our hearts and acting gently to everyone: animals, the planet, and each other, no matter what. I think it starts inside our own minds. When we can think gently, we speak gently. When we can speak gently, then we behave gently. When we behave gently to all beings everywhere in every circumstance, then we are truly vegan, and hold the light for others.

Since that meditation, there have been several times when I would hear the news or something on TV and I would feel my blood begin to boil with fear or judgment. Or… I would be in a discussion and I would feel myself getting more excited. Every time I would feel my pulse start to race, I have been breathing in deeply and remembering Grandmother tree. I have been imagining her smell and the feel of her bark against my embrace. I have been recalling the stillness and the peace in that forest. I have been finding ways to shine my light and be gentle, no matter what. I want to always feel as peaceful as I did surrounded by those elder trees. I want my thoughts to always be as loving and gentle as if I were a tree myself swaying in the breeze, solid and strong. I want to always speak with kind and unconditionally loving words about and towards everyone I encounter, as if the tree were speaking through me.

I’m going to pay attention to everything I say, think, and do. I’m going to let the light in my heart define who I am. I believe this is something animals have mastered already. I have seen abused dogs, too injured to stand, wag their tails when humans approach. I have seen many large farm animals, living in horrendous conditions and able to hurt people, still act peacefully. Their suffering or the way they were treated did not define them. What was in their hearts was what they allowed to define them and that never changed with what was happening around them. I would like to be that wise, and loving, and full of grace! Wish me luck!

Ellie Laks Founder
The Gentle Barn